Back to School Shopping and your Relationship with Money
My oldest is starting kindergarten this fall. This is my first encounter as a parent with back to school shopping and as I think about them going to school for the for the first time and all the of items that we need to purchase for them I got to thinking about how money plays a role in so many ways.
I think like most parents I want my kids to find a place where they fit in with people they like and who like them. Like it or not, money plays a role in this. I find myself thinking about things they need. Let’s take for example a backpack. I could probably go to a store and find a fairly cheap backpack that would hold all the supplies that they’ll need to carry around. I also think about the cheap backpack in comparison to one that maybe is more expensive with characters on it that they like is probably more expensive. I get it, I was a little kid once. So things become a trade off in my brain, do I choose the cheaper backpack and appeal to that part of my brain that goes “it’s just a backpack” or do I lean into the part of my brain that goes “it’s more than a backpack, it’s status, it’s identity, it’s fun.” As you can see I think about a lot of implications of something that seems as trivial as a backpack.
I talk with clients often about sitting in tension with two ideas. I’m going to do that here with the two sides of my brain. The “it’s just a backpack” side of my brain is all about what’s practical, what’s rational, what makes the most sense from a numbers perspective. The other part of my brain that gets focused on “status, identity, it’s fun” appeals to the experiential part of our brains. The part that feels belonging, meaning, and enjoyment. One side is no better than the other, one side is not more “right” than the other.” These perspectives both have merit and both are important to consider. If you take either side to an extreme it can also have a detrimental impact. The austere extreme: a kid who learns that wanting things is shameful, or a parent so rigid about the numbers that nothing is ever allowed to just be joyful. The indulgent extreme: buying your way out of every discomfort, which teaches a kid that belonging is purchasable and leaves you resentful and overextended. Finding a balance between these two perspectives that align with your values and what is actually important to you is vital.
Another thing I try to be mindful of in these situations is who is this for? Is it for me? Or is it for my child? It is sometimes hard to tease this out. Sometimes our own stories start to infiltrate our money decisions. “I remember what it’s like to not feel like I belonged because I didn’t have the cool backpack or the cool clothes.” That narrative especially when it’s unconscious can drive us to make decisions that may not actually be the most helpful for our children in these situations. It’s an important consideration to sit with prior to making a decision. Sometimes it’s genuinely coming from a place of “my child wants this” and sometimes it is coming from our own script of scarcity or lacking.
Our kids won’t always remember the backpack that they got when they were in kindergarten. What I find sticks with them more is the messages they receive about money and how money felt in the household. I don’t want a kid who asks for something to be met with silence or “we can’t afford that.” Those responses typically introduce shame and guilt like it’s not okay to ask for it. Instead, try incorporating “that’s not in our plan” or “that’s not a priority right now.” These help kids understand that money is finite and that are limits to what gets spent. It helps them incorporate healthy perspective to money and that limits can be placed without introducing shame or guilt. If your kid is good with numbers you can give them a price limit of what they can spend and also allow them to choose their own backpack with the limits put in place. It gives them agency and will empower them long term while allowing them to understand that they can’t have it all.
I also want to emphasize that sometimes the answer is the expensive backpack, and that's okay too. Choosing to spend money on something that brings your kid joy is not a failure of discipline. If it fits the plan and you're doing it on purpose rather than out of fear, that's a values-based decision just as much as saving the money is.
And here's the thing about belonging: the backpack is temporary. They’ll use it for probably a year? Maybe two? Kids who feel secure at home tend to weather the social stuff better than kids who are well-outfitted and anxious. That doesn't mean the backpack is meaningless, belonging is a real need! It just means that it is just a tool and there are others, like connection, that you can also draw upon.
As for me, I haven’t decided on the limit for spending on the backpack or school supplies in general yet. I still need to have a conversation with my wife on what we want/need to spend on school supplies as we navigate this for the first time. I do know that it won’t be reactionary and we’ll approach it from a grounded place. I’ll pay attention to those different perspectives coming from my brain and continually work on introducing healthy money messages to my kids.
